Westover Heights Clinic - Telling new partners

    Some people report that having herpes has changed the way they begin a sexual relationship.  If you are not currently involved in a relationship, the issue of telling new partners will come up. It is essential to disclose your herpes status to new sexual partners prior to having sex. When making the decision to disclose this information, it is useful to put yourself in others' shoes -- would you have wanted to know your infecting partner had herpes before you had sex with him or her?  Telling all future partners is best for many reasons.

    First, they will be given the opportunity to make an informed decision about the future of their own health. Herpes means different things to different people. To some, it may be quite frightening; to others it isn't a big deal. For example, a woman who is trying to become pregnant would see herpes in one way while a woman who won't be having more children would see it in another.  A person you have just met that evening may not wish to take the same risk that someone you've known for a long time would be willing to take.

    Second, if you do not tell a partner until after you have had sex, the question of trust comes up. They will rightfully wonder what else have you not told them about yourself.  Also, it takes a great deal of energy away from a relationship to hide something that is important.

    Third, you may be denying your partner an opportunity to be supportive of you around a sensitive topic.

    Fourth, you may have the typical and inaccurate belief that you will have a hard time finding a partner who will accept you with your herpes. Telling a prospective partner will test the validity of that belief. Our experience indicates that far more people accept sexual partners with herpes than reject them. This is clearly linked to the kind of relationship they have established prior to "getting the news."

    So how do you actually tell someone that you have herpes? Find a time when the two of you can be alone. It is preferable to bring up the subject long before you are heavily into foreplay. Rather, choose a time when it looks like things could possibly become sexual but haven't yet gotten there.  You may wish to begin by saying something like, "It looks more and more like our relationship is developing into something sexual. Before that happens, I need to let you know something that may present us with a challenge. I have genital herpes."  Don't expect that the first time you do this you will be cool, calm, and collected.  You may even back out once or twice before being able to have this talk.

    When you tell someone, choose your words carefully. Avoid terms such as "terrible, incurable, and incredibly painful."  Try to be as matter of fact as you can.  If it helps, practice in front of a mirror, or try out your approach first on a close friend.  

    Would you feel as awkward about telling someone you were diabetic or had a heart condition?  Probably not, but this seems different because it involves sexuality.  Statistics show that the more sex partners you have, the more likely it is that you will get a sexually transmitted disease.  But remember, in this case, it only takes one sexual encounter to contract an infection that stays with you for life.

    So, once you've given someone the news, what's next?  Imagine they just sit there looking stunned.  You might say, "Do you know what herpes is, have you heard much about it?"  We think it is very useful to have some suggestions for books they might read -- this one for example!  Or they may want to view the patient counseling DVD on our website.  Let's say they look at you with great passion, and say quickly, "It doesn't matter. I'm ready to sleep with you no matter what you have." Sounds tempting -- an instant acceptance.  But think about the reason you told them -- a chance for them to make a well thought-out choice.  That's hard to do on the spur of the moment. The last thing you need is for them to wake up in the morning and regret their impulsiveness.

    One option would be to say, "Actually, I'd like you to take some time to think about it. If you still want to be together, let's just sleep together but hold off on sex until you've had time to digest this for a little while."  Certainly, another possibility is that they will say, "Wow, I was worried about bringing that up, but I have herpes, too."  If you both have the same viral type of herpes, you need not worry anymore about passing virus back and forth.  

    Let's say they look at you with shock and say, "I couldn't possibly take the risk of getting herpes. You're a nice person, but I think I'll say good night now." So the worst scenario has come to pass, and you feel hurt and defeated. Try to take a little time and get some perspective. They were rejecting the herpes and not you as a total person. It is important to remember that the rejection does not make you worth any less as a person. You may be deprived of a relationship that you really wanted.  However, there are other people who will accept you and the risk.  The next time, or the time after that, things will go better.

    Let's say they instead need some time to think about it.  They don't call for a few days, and when they do, they seem less passionate and more like a friend.  The important thing is to give them time. Remember that you told them so they could make a choice. Some people can do that faster than others. If the relationship pleases you, it is probably worth the wait to see what will happen next. Let's say you decide to sleep together and the relationship falls apart a month later. Some people quickly say, "Well, it was the herpes. He or she just couldn't handle it."  Maybe it was, but herpes can become an excuse for the relationship not working out when in fact it had nothing to do with how things worked out.  It's a temptation to stop looking at the other aspects of how you function as a partner and focus only on the impact of herpes.

    The next section of this book is authored by Dr. Ricks Warren, a psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon.  He has counseled many people with genital herpes over the years and offers a unique insight into effective strategies for dealing with the psychosocial issues surrounding genital herpes.  You'll appreciate his down-to-earth advice and practical suggestions.